not so afraid - anymore

As most of you know - there was a time in my life a few years back where I was broken to pieces. I was hurt beyond measure. But - I have since moved on. I have healed. I have become whole again. It was a long and painful struggle - but it's over now.

Anyway - I heard a song today that accurately describes how I've been feeling in these past couple months. Let me share a part of it with you:

Because of you - I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you - I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you - I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you - I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you - I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you - I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you - I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you - I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid


Anyway - since I've been dating Andy these last 3 months - I've seen myself feeling this way about my past broken-ness. I've seen myself holding out on being vulnerable with him. I've seen myself not wanting to get too close just in case he pulls the same thing on me.

But all of that changed last night. It was like - in one no-holds-barred-get-into-it-all conversation - Andy and I are totally on the same page. He completely understands where I'm coming from - because he's been there too. He gets me. He wants me to talk with him about this kind of stuff. He wants me to be honest with him about my fear of letting anyone else in - just like he wants to be honest with me about how he has that same fear because he's been screwed over too.

For the first time in my life - I feel free to take down my walls. I feel free to let someone into my life. I feel free to pursue a relationship that could be so life-giving to me.

praise God.

peace all,
~Jenna